I Don't Understand

This was origanlly posted on myspace on my blog but I'm deleting my prfile but I wanted to save some of my blogs. Current mood: depressed I've been through so much in my short time on earth and I often times wonder why things happen the way they do. I look at these women and men who have kids that they don't want and those of us who want kids that don't have them yet. I wonder what is God's plan what's His logic behind that.There has been alot of stories in the news over the years telling of the tragic stories where parents kill their kids. I can't imagine taking my child's life or any child's life for that matter. I'm so upset by what's happening to these helpless children. I just feel like there is something terribly wrong this world. Its becoming normal to hear people say she killed her kids or he killed his kids. That 's sad. If you have a child think of how blessed you are. If you have more than one then that should show you that God loves you he thought enough of you to give you more than one of his angel s to care for.When I see these news stories about parents killing their kids I wonder why God didn't let me keep my baby. But that's something that wasn't in plan. I just don't understand why . I'm just at a loss of words. I know when I think of my nephew who is just like my child I'm immediately happy. I can't imagine what's going through a persons mind to make them take a child's life.

Oct. 25 2007-Nov. 19 2007

This is a blog I originally wrote on Myspace. Current mood: nostalgic Category: Life Since my last blog which was about two hours ago I've become more depressed because I realize that on this exact day and date last year I found out that I was pregnant with my first child. At first I wasn't too thrilled about having a child but once I knew I had the support of my family and my closet friends I started accepting everything. I was excited that I was going to be a mother. You know??? Then things start going wrong I was hurting and stressing bout getting to the doctors. On November 19,2007 I lost my first child. That day was the worst day of my life. I love my mom to death. If it hadn't been for her I don't think I would have been able to function well for a while. She talked me through that situation.I don't even remember what she said but I know that it got through to me. I thought that all of my feelings of being sad were behind me but they've come back. I just don't understand.I don't think I'll ever get over loosing a child. That's pain that can never go away suppressed maybe but never completely gone.I know that everything that God does in my life is for my benefit but I just don't understand why He had to take my child away. Well I know that God won't put more on me than I can bare.I know that God's plan is way too elaborate for me to understand but I want to understand why I had to loose my child.This is something has been on my mind and I just can't shake it. I really haven't talked to anyone about it in depth so now I'm writing as a form of therapy.

My Angel

I never got to see your face, but I still loved you. I never got to feel you kick but knowing you were there was good enough for me.I was excited because you were sent here for me to love and care for. So that made loosing you hurt more than I could even imagine. It's not easy to be in pain physically and emotionally. But I 've accepted that you came and did what you were supposed to do.

Knowing that my baby was in God's hand made it hurt less...